I am hungry.

I have made one of my frequent and generally fruitless decisions to shift a few percent of excess body fat (Ben shakes his head and rolls his eyes sadly). This usually results in some boob shrinkage and not much else. I can’t seem to get that lean, muscular look that I crave. Not anorexic — I don’t want to look like Angelina Jolie in her current stick-thin state — just lean. I have a lot of muscle. I’d rather it wasn’t hidden under a thick layer of subcutaneous fat, no matter if that’s a very practical solution to the colder weather.

So I’ve had salad for lunch. Today and yesterday. I have had one digestive biscuit today instead of three. I have cut right back on the beer (waaaaaah!) and, while I’m not getting in the daily commute, I am running and cycling in the evenings and at weekends, and I’ve just managed to get hold of the timetable for the Fife Sports Institute. I shall be joining the gym.

But I’m hungry. And that’s making me cranky.

The Rules:
1. You can only say YES or NO.
2. You are NOT ALLOWED to explain ANYTHING unless someone comments on the entry and asks.

Have you ever…

Taken a picture naked?
– Yes

Made out with a member of the same sex?
– Yes

Danced in front of your mirror?
– Yes

Told a lie?
– Yes

Gotten in a car with people you just met?
– Yes

Been in a fist fight?
– Yes

Had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?
– Yes

Been arrested?
– No

Left your house without telling your parents?
– Yes

Ditched school to do something more fun?
– Yes

Slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?
– Yes

Seen someone die?
– Yes

Kissed a picture?
– No

Slept in until 3?
– Yes

Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?
– Yes

Played dress up?
– Yes

Fallen asleep at work/school?
– Yes

Felt an earthquake?
– Yes

Touched a snake?
– Yes

Ran a red light?
– No

Had detention?
– Yes

Been in a car accident?
– Yes

Pole danced?
– No

Been lost?
– Yes

Sang karaoke?
– No

Done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?
– Yes

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
– Yes

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?
– Yes

Kissed in the rain?
– Yes

Sang in the shower?
– Yes

Got your tongue stuck to a pole?
– No

Gone to school partially naked?
– No

Sat on a roof top?
– Yes

Played chicken?
– Yes

Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?
– Yes

Been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?
– Yes

Broken a bone?
– Yes

Mooned/flashed someone?
– Yes

Forgotten someone’s name?
– Yes

Slept naked?
– Yes

Blacked out from drinking?
– Yes

Played a prank on someone?
– Yes

Felt like killing someone?
– Yes

Made a parent cry?
– No

Cried over someone?
– Yes

Had sex more than 5 times in one day?
– Yes

Had/Have a dog?
– No

Been in a band?
– Yes

Drank 25 sodas in a day?
– No

Shot a gun?
– Yes

Just as we did down south, the office here has visiting book clubs. So, apparently randomly, you’ll come in and there’ll be a box full of cookery books and starter yoga kits and plush teddy bear backpacks and books You Will Not Find In The Shops, all at knock-down prices. I bought a Sophie Grigson cookbook a couple of weeks ago. Occasionally you will find something worth shelling out a few quid for.

Today I found, in the latest box, a copy of God and me – 365 daily devotions. Apparently it was the Children’s Book of the year 2005, although the sticker doesn’t specify who voted for it.

The book is aimed at 3+ year olds, according to the back. I don’t have anything in particular against Christianity as opposed to any other dogmatic religion (i.e. I hate dogma of any form), and if parents want to introduce their kids to their faith that’s fair enough.

But this is hilarious as well as mildly disturbing. Some examples:

January 6 – Dear God, I’m sorry for the naughty things I’ve done today. Thank you for forgiving me. You’re great! Amen.
God welcomes us and forgives us just like the father in Jesus’ story. Read Luke 15:11-24

January 11 – Hair is a wonderful thing, God! Thank you for my hair. Amen.
The woman in today’s story uses her hair as a towel! Read John 12:1-8

January 21Thank you, God, for inviting me to your party in heaven. I really want to come! Amen.
There will be lots of people at God’s party. Where will they all come from? Read Luke 13: 29-30 to find out.

April 27 – Dear God, help me to listen carefully to you and think hard about what you want me to do every day. Amen.
The two women in today’s story are both busy. Which one is busy listening to Jesus? Read Luke 10:38-42

August 12 – Wow! You are awesome, Lord God! I am glad that you are in control of the world. Amen.
God knows all about the world he has made. See Job 38:16-41

November 4 – Dear Jesus, thank you for the Bible that tells us what you want us to do. Please help me to do what you say. Amen.
Jesus tells a story about building. You can find it in Luke 6:46-49

I think it’s safe to say that we’re not talking about the Gnostic tradition here.

I don’t know about you, but I find this degree of indoctrination faintly alarming. It’s one thing to explain to children of that age what your beliefs are, but this is more than that. This is like brainwashing. There are devotionals in there about asking God for help turning off the TV if there’s a scary programme on, or asking God for help in remembering to wash your hands.

Is this normal? Or is this another American-style Neo-Con Christian Fundamentalist tentacle worming its way into the generally secular British culture?

I think we need daily devotionals of the sort I would want if I were in charge:

January 1 – Dear Auntie Sam, how I wish I hadn’t had quite so much to drink while celebrating last night. Please help me get rid of this hangover.
Auntie Sam says that if you are going to drink so much at Hogmanay, you should expect to feel poorly sick in the morning.

February 2 – Hair is a wonderful thing, Auntie Sam! But it gets in the way!
Auntie Sam says that clippers are the way to go.

March 21Thank you, Auntie Sam, for inviting me to your party. I really want to come!
Auntie Sam says: fab. Bring booze.

May – Dear Auntie Sam, help me to understand how scary it is that most people are fuckspuds with so few braincells an ant could get lost inside their heads, and most of them have driving licences.
Auntie Sam says: try riding a bicycle round a major conurbation in the rush hour.

August 12 – Wow! You are fantastic, Auntie Sam! I am glad that you are in control of the world.
I always said I’d make a great job of it, although I really can’t be arsed. I’m just pretending to control the world, but don’t tell anyone.

November 4 – Dear Frood, please help me to understand on those odd occasions when I really don’t get what Auntie Sam is telling me no matter how hard she tries to explain because after a while she gets really grumpy and that’s not nice.
Frood tells a story about ants. See here

There. That’s much better.

Was out at a complaint site first thing this morning. This meant that my drive to work involved coming down the back of Largo Law, on the St Andrews road. It was a bright, sunny morning, blowing a hooey, and the sea out on the Firth of Forth was whipped into a froth of white horses that stampeded across Largo Bay like Ginger Baker chopping up the beat on Dizzy Gears. So first I get to wander about in some woods taking pictures and seeing deer and a whole family of quail, then I get to look out to sea across a view that is simply breathtaking, knowing that, come the warmer weather, I’ll be snorkelling out there and maybe diving too.

Sure does beat sitting behind a desk drafting yet another discharge consent for some poxy CSO that no one cares about.

With me being on the coast, presumably Tall Bike Tour Britain will be passing through at some point. I shall have to drop them a note and say I’ll join them for a while, even they will be towering over my head. I see they’ve been in touch with the first second third secret love of my life (the first secret love of my life being either Gunner or Macleach, and the second being either Macleach or Gunner), Roger the Hilldoger. Well. If you’re going to get involved in a silly project like that, who else are you going to call?

Oh, and this is about the level of seriousness with which we are taking the threat of bird flu round here:

The bastards! Not content with taking my hard-earned cash in exchange for cycling and running goods, those arch-fiends Wiggle have just introduced a hike section. And given me a £5 voucher to spend should I find 25 ailing molluscs worth of stuff to purchase.

I’ve just thrown out Frood‘s old camping mattress on the basis that he should have a Therm-a-rest, and Dad has been talking about doing Snowdon and Ben Nevis and Scafell Pike.

Oh look. My nemesis. A dedicated injury section. I could spend some money there.

Craziness and conspiracy theories abound for those of us here on the ground at the UK bird flu epicentre. You see, the person who found the swan was German, and of course the mute, the most common in our waters, is a German strain of swan (although they chopped its head off so that we wouldn’t be able to tell), and she just happened to report it to her friend at St Andrews university who just happens to be a virologist…

Well. Coincidence or some weird bio-attack by one of the powers of the EU? Hmmm? It’s not like we’ve been getting on terribly well with Germany after disagreeing with them over Iraq, and of course they’ve already had some confirmed cases of bird flu so they’d be able to get samples. It could be like that bit in Paul Verhoeven’s Flesh and Blood when Steven (Tom Burlinson) chucks the plague-ridden dog in the well. It’s just that instead of the black death it’s HN51; instead of a dog it’s a swan; and instead of a well it’s the harbour of a small fishing village in the East Neuk of Fife.

Obvious, really.

Also, we received a fax in the office on Friday that may help explain some of the more puzzling aspects of this entire affair, such as why everyone is getting in such a flap (ha ha). I shall quote in full and verbatim.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Decompression sickness will be affecting almost everybody on earth by now but species of wildlife and your pets are unable to make complaints of poor health or the way they might feel. If the feelings in your fingers consist of a tingling sensation then your blood pressure might be higher than normal. In fact, you may feel the tingling sensation throughout your entire body, especially when trying to relax in your bed. Your feet may also lose shape.
Decompression sickness may cause you to feel bloated, dizzy, faint, tired, lethargic, stressed, confused or to gain weight slowly. You are highly likely to suffer physical and mental fatigue, especially when travelling within a city environment where air is thick with alien gases. You are likely also to suffer from insomnia or disorderly sleeping patterns where you lose track of night and day. Young children may exhibit bouts of poor behaviour and some may become victims of ADHD.
Your consumption of foods and drinks can be altered to make your feel better but this is a matter of willpower. If your diet consists mainly of cooked substances and hot drinks then simply abandon eating and drinking habits not used by species of wildlife. Try to obtain and use for sustenance naturally occurring juices and edible oils but be sure also to consume some roughage.

Bird flu is another manifestation of decompression. In Scotland, people suffer from respiratory sickness more than their neighbours in England because Scots and their swans are subjected to low air pressure for longer periods of time. This is because slow moving clouds drag air away from people, and, the troposphere is thinner above Scotland.

A student living in Norfolk has a CD explaining further information concerning decompression sickness. Her name is Kandee Hard and she can be contacted by telephone or fax. Kandee will allow interested parties to view her CD by appointment only.
Tel; 01263-******. Fax; 01263-******
06 April 2006.

The text went all big at the end in the original, so I thought I’d better make it do it here too, in case it was important. I have removed the telephone and fax numbers to avoid being done under the DPA and because it might be some poor, unsuspecting bloke’s number that has been stolen, but if any interested readers are desperate to find out what Ms Hard has put on her CD and would like to make an appointment, do drop me a line and I’ll pass the details to you.

So there you go. It’s all a mad German plot that is only succeeding because of the slow-moving clouds, and if you start to tingle and your feet change shape you should get yourself to a hyperbaric chamber specialising in fruit juice immediately. Or something.

Of course the press is hyperbolic as usual. The idea that it could just be some swan that has dropped dead in the North Sea and has been washed up on the tides — as is wont to happen — seems to be escaping most people. But then, that doesn’t make a good story, does it? So instead we have weird-ass German conspiracy theories and deadly killer viruses on the rampage, slaughtering their way across Europe by means of unidentified swans.

Maybe it’s another one of these surreal Dadaist arts projects, like Microsoft Outlook.

I have sent off the cheque. Frood and I are joining Audax UK!

I know. This is one step up the beardy chain from the CTC, but now that I’m driving to work I have more energy and more motivation for evening rides and weekend ones. Plus, I still harbour hopes of doing Pars-Brest-Paris and I want to be one of the few girls (I know Madame Vice Chairman is another) doing audax on fixed.

Damn you, Fixed Phil. This is your fault.

Mixed Martial Arts instruction 5 minutes away from work. OK, so the classes are on a Sunday, but it’s just round the corner from where I am now. And they train police people!

Ultimate Fighting Championship here I come!

Well, okay, that’s taking it a bit far. But the fact is that I’ve been looking to start up a practical martial art again, as while EPOs don’t really get physical with even the obstreperous customers, it would make me feel more confident knowing that I could get myself out of the stickiest situations (those including 7′ tall scrappies with giant dogs wearing spiked collars – that sort of thing).

And there’s always the whole personal satisfaction thing. My martial arts background isn’t non-existent, and I’m not clueless, but I’d like to be more skilled.

On the instigation of ythrykythyr:

Go to Wikipedia and look up your birthday (excluding the year). List three facts, two births and one death in your journal, including the year.

• Fact 1 – 1862 – Charles Dodgson (AKA Lewis Carroll) sends the handwritten manuscript of Alice’s Adventures Underground to 10-year-old Alice Liddell.
• Fact 2 – 1917 – The National Hockey League is formed, with the Montreal Canadiens, Montreal Wanderers, Ottawa Senators, Quebec Bulldogs, and Toronto Arenas as its first teams.
• Fact 3 – 1968 – British rock band Cream play their farewell concert at the Royal Albert Hall.

Births:

• 1869 – Maud, Queen of Norway
• 1889 – Bruno Hauptmann, German kidnapper of Charles Lindbergh III

Deaths

• 1836 – John MacAdam, British road builder

What the hell. I’m sure it’s doing the rounds like wildfire. Let’s help propagate it.

Snakes on a plane!