Craziness and conspiracy theories abound for those of us here on the ground at the UK bird flu epicentre. You see, the person who found the swan was German, and of course the mute, the most common in our waters, is a German strain of swan (although they chopped its head off so that we wouldn’t be able to tell), and she just happened to report it to her friend at St Andrews university who just happens to be a virologist…

Well. Coincidence or some weird bio-attack by one of the powers of the EU? Hmmm? It’s not like we’ve been getting on terribly well with Germany after disagreeing with them over Iraq, and of course they’ve already had some confirmed cases of bird flu so they’d be able to get samples. It could be like that bit in Paul Verhoeven’s Flesh and Blood when Steven (Tom Burlinson) chucks the plague-ridden dog in the well. It’s just that instead of the black death it’s HN51; instead of a dog it’s a swan; and instead of a well it’s the harbour of a small fishing village in the East Neuk of Fife.

Obvious, really.

Also, we received a fax in the office on Friday that may help explain some of the more puzzling aspects of this entire affair, such as why everyone is getting in such a flap (ha ha). I shall quote in full and verbatim.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Decompression sickness will be affecting almost everybody on earth by now but species of wildlife and your pets are unable to make complaints of poor health or the way they might feel. If the feelings in your fingers consist of a tingling sensation then your blood pressure might be higher than normal. In fact, you may feel the tingling sensation throughout your entire body, especially when trying to relax in your bed. Your feet may also lose shape.
Decompression sickness may cause you to feel bloated, dizzy, faint, tired, lethargic, stressed, confused or to gain weight slowly. You are highly likely to suffer physical and mental fatigue, especially when travelling within a city environment where air is thick with alien gases. You are likely also to suffer from insomnia or disorderly sleeping patterns where you lose track of night and day. Young children may exhibit bouts of poor behaviour and some may become victims of ADHD.
Your consumption of foods and drinks can be altered to make your feel better but this is a matter of willpower. If your diet consists mainly of cooked substances and hot drinks then simply abandon eating and drinking habits not used by species of wildlife. Try to obtain and use for sustenance naturally occurring juices and edible oils but be sure also to consume some roughage.

Bird flu is another manifestation of decompression. In Scotland, people suffer from respiratory sickness more than their neighbours in England because Scots and their swans are subjected to low air pressure for longer periods of time. This is because slow moving clouds drag air away from people, and, the troposphere is thinner above Scotland.

A student living in Norfolk has a CD explaining further information concerning decompression sickness. Her name is Kandee Hard and she can be contacted by telephone or fax. Kandee will allow interested parties to view her CD by appointment only.
Tel; 01263-******. Fax; 01263-******
06 April 2006.

The text went all big at the end in the original, so I thought I’d better make it do it here too, in case it was important. I have removed the telephone and fax numbers to avoid being done under the DPA and because it might be some poor, unsuspecting bloke’s number that has been stolen, but if any interested readers are desperate to find out what Ms Hard has put on her CD and would like to make an appointment, do drop me a line and I’ll pass the details to you.

So there you go. It’s all a mad German plot that is only succeeding because of the slow-moving clouds, and if you start to tingle and your feet change shape you should get yourself to a hyperbaric chamber specialising in fruit juice immediately. Or something.

Of course the press is hyperbolic as usual. The idea that it could just be some swan that has dropped dead in the North Sea and has been washed up on the tides — as is wont to happen — seems to be escaping most people. But then, that doesn’t make a good story, does it? So instead we have weird-ass German conspiracy theories and deadly killer viruses on the rampage, slaughtering their way across Europe by means of unidentified swans.

Maybe it’s another one of these surreal Dadaist arts projects, like Microsoft Outlook.

I have sent off the cheque. Frood and I are joining Audax UK!

I know. This is one step up the beardy chain from the CTC, but now that I’m driving to work I have more energy and more motivation for evening rides and weekend ones. Plus, I still harbour hopes of doing Pars-Brest-Paris and I want to be one of the few girls (I know Madame Vice Chairman is another) doing audax on fixed.

Damn you, Fixed Phil. This is your fault.

Mixed Martial Arts instruction 5 minutes away from work. OK, so the classes are on a Sunday, but it’s just round the corner from where I am now. And they train police people!

Ultimate Fighting Championship here I come!

Well, okay, that’s taking it a bit far. But the fact is that I’ve been looking to start up a practical martial art again, as while EPOs don’t really get physical with even the obstreperous customers, it would make me feel more confident knowing that I could get myself out of the stickiest situations (those including 7′ tall scrappies with giant dogs wearing spiked collars – that sort of thing).

And there’s always the whole personal satisfaction thing. My martial arts background isn’t non-existent, and I’m not clueless, but I’d like to be more skilled.

On the instigation of ythrykythyr:

Go to Wikipedia and look up your birthday (excluding the year). List three facts, two births and one death in your journal, including the year.

• Fact 1 – 1862 – Charles Dodgson (AKA Lewis Carroll) sends the handwritten manuscript of Alice’s Adventures Underground to 10-year-old Alice Liddell.
• Fact 2 – 1917 – The National Hockey League is formed, with the Montreal Canadiens, Montreal Wanderers, Ottawa Senators, Quebec Bulldogs, and Toronto Arenas as its first teams.
• Fact 3 – 1968 – British rock band Cream play their farewell concert at the Royal Albert Hall.

Births:

• 1869 – Maud, Queen of Norway
• 1889 – Bruno Hauptmann, German kidnapper of Charles Lindbergh III

Deaths

• 1836 – John MacAdam, British road builder

What the hell. I’m sure it’s doing the rounds like wildfire. Let’s help propagate it.

Snakes on a plane!

Look. They do a Wonder Woman costume. Perfect for DC fetish parties (although the Batgirl one is more me, I think). Or you could have Thor’s helmet (fnar fnar). I might just have to get me one of those Xavier Institute for Higher Learning t-shirts. Just because it would be so sad as to be post-ironic.

That’s my excuse, anyway, and I’m sticking to it.

Thanks, Munky, for the link to G-Maps Pedometer. Now I can plot where I’m running and how far and see elevation as well.

For the curious, this is my current usual route. You really do need to have the elevation turned on to appreciate it, and realise it’s off-road. As mentioned in a previous post. And check it out with the satellite layer enabled. That rocks.

I can see more time-wasting using this to come up with new routes. There’s that one through Keil’s Den, for instance…

Folk are still at it. Have they never stopped to consider what would happen if the Fey really did manage to become physical in this world? If the magic really did come back? It’s not all making candles light by chanting at them in Latin. How chuffed would the Queen of Fairies be if the snotty little kid next door could sneeze out a Pokemon Tulpa? Because you can’t have one without the other.

Gods. Stormwatch should be compulsory reading for people who think bringing the magic back is a good idea. I don’t know about you but the idea that the vast seething biomass out there would have access to fireballs fills me with a sort of gut-wrenching horror. They can’t even drive without killing thousands of people every year, and that’s despite the Highway Code.

And then there’s the whole perception thing. Not being able to see/experience such things — assuming they are real, for the sake of argument — is probably the best protection the faery world can have. Humans are not known for their altruistic lack of exploitation. Gods it would be as much a disaster for them as it would for us.

People just don’t think these things through properly.

I just ordered a big box of flashing star balls:

They just make such fab bike lights. The ones on Shackleton make him look like some sort of deep-sea planktonic monster. And if anyone claims SMIDSY with them on, I’m going to lamp him.

This live feed thing actually works!

If I wasn’t so damned cold I’d stay and post something meaningful. Instead I shall simply pass on the frankly glorious fact I obtained from the delightful Mrs Pingu today: giant tortoises fart hugely.

That is just super.