Singularity

Dispatch from bird flu central

Apr.10, 2006, filed under Miscellany

You can't make this stuff upCraziness and conspiracy theories abound for those of us here on the ground at the UK bird flu epicentre. You see, the person who found the swan was German, and of course the mute, the most common in our waters, is a German strain of swan (although they chopped its head off so that we wouldn’t be able to tell), and she just happened to report it to her friend at St Andrews university who just happens to be a virologist…

Well. Coincidence or some weird bio-attack by one of the powers of the EU? Hmmm? It’s not like we’ve been getting on terribly well with Germany after disagreeing with them over Iraq, and of course they’ve already had some confirmed cases of bird flu so they’d be able to get samples. It could be like that bit in Paul Verhoeven’s Flesh and Blood when Steven (Tom Burlinson) chucks the plague-ridden dog in the well. It’s just that instead of the black death it’s HN51; instead of a dog it’s a swan; and instead of a well it’s the harbour of a small fishing village in the East Neuk of Fife.

Obvious, really.

The BBC showed a picture of a swan. Just in case you didn't know what a swan looks like.

Also, we received a fax in the office on Friday that may help explain some of the more puzzling aspects of this entire affair, such as why everyone is getting in such a flap (ha ha). I shall quote in full and verbatim.

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN

Decompression sickness will be affecting almost everybody on earth by now but species of wildlife and your pets are unable to make complaints of poor health or the way they might feel. If the feelings in your fingers consist of a tingling sensation then your blood pressure might be higher than normal. In fact, you may feel the tingling sensation throughout your entire body, especially when trying to relax in your bed. Your feet may also lose shape.
Decompression sickness may cause you to feel bloated, dizzy, faint, tired, lethargic, stressed, confused or to gain weight slowly. You are highly likely to suffer physical and mental fatigue, especially when travelling within a city environment where air is thick with alien gases. You are likely also to suffer from insomnia or disorderly sleeping patterns where you lose track of night and day. Young children may exhibit bouts of poor behaviour and some may become victims of ADHD.
Your consumption of foods and drinks can be altered to make your feel better but this is a matter of willpower. If your diet consists mainly of cooked substances and hot drinks then simply abandon eating and drinking habits not used by species of wildlife. Try to obtain and use for sustenance naturally occurring juices and edible oils but be sure also to consume some roughage.

Bird flu is another manifestation of decompression. In Scotland, people suffer from respiratory sickness more than their neighbours in England because Scots and their swans are subjected to low air pressure for longer periods of time. This is because slow moving clouds drag air away from people, and, the troposphere is thinner above Scotland.

A student living in Norfolk has a CD explaining further information concerning decompression sickness. Her name is Kandee Hard and she can be contacted by telephone or fax. Kandee will allow interested parties to view her CD by appointment only.
Tel; 01263-******. Fax; 01263-******
06 April 2006.

The text went all big at the end in the original, so I thought I’d better make it do it here too, in case it was important. I have removed the telephone and fax numbers to avoid being done under the DPA and because it might be some poor, unsuspecting bloke’s number that has been stolen, but if any interested readers are desperate to find out what Ms Hard has put on her CD and would like to make an appointment, do drop me a line and I’ll pass the details to you.

So there you go. It’s all a mad German plot that is only succeeding because of the slow-moving clouds, and if you start to tingle and your feet change shape you should get yourself to a hyperbaric chamber specialising in fruit juice immediately. Or something.

Of course the press is hyperbolic as usual. The idea that it could just be some swan that has dropped dead in the North Sea and has been washed up on the tides — as is wont to happen — seems to be escaping most people. But then, that doesn’t make a good story, does it? So instead we have weird-ass German conspiracy theories and deadly killer viruses on the rampage, slaughtering their way across Europe by means of unidentified swans.

Maybe it’s another one of these surreal Dadaist arts projects, like Microsoft Outlook.

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