Symptom Diary

07/02/2000 - 07/08/2000
07/09/2000 - 07/15/2000
07/16/2000 - 07/22/2000
07/23/2000 - 07/29/2000
07/30/2000 - 08/05/2000
08/06/2000 - 08/12/2000
08/13/2000 - 08/19/2000
08/20/2000 - 08/26/2000
08/27/2000 - 09/02/2000
09/10/2000 - 09/16/2000
09/17/2000 - 09/23/2000
09/24/2000 - 09/30/2000
11/19/2000 - 11/25/2000
11/26/2000 - 12/02/2000
12/10/2000 - 12/16/2000

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Wednesday, July 12, 2000

13:15  Hard getting up this morning. More nightmares. Pain largely confined to lower back and hips at the moment, but head threatening. Face no longer paralysed. Hungry but no appetite, if you can understand such a paradox. Can still feel the site of yesterday's pain, the pain that was so bad I was ready to kill myself just to end it. Two finger breadths above the front edge of the ear. Is there a vein that goes along there? It goes in there, into the back of my right eye socket, so intense as to almost feel as though it was in the eye itself.

Quite shaky. Minor muscle spasms already, cramps in shoulders. Have had some severe stomach pains. Going to try to eat something.

Forgot to take my supplements with my dinner last night. Might be better to start taking them with first meal of the day as I quite often feel nauseous after dinner.

 

Tuesday, July 11, 2000

11:54  Was very sick last night. Another night of bad dreams. Head pounding today. No, not pounding, because the pain is constant. The vice is back only this time the vice is made of pure sodium and my skin is wet. I am close to screaming. I can't even cry. It is one of those days when I feel sure I must be dying and worry that I am not, because if I am not it means this will go on. Supposed to be going on holiday tomorrow and the idea makes me snort with desperate panic. The rest of today looks impossible.

15:42  Pain getting worse, if that possible. Just been into town to swap the berghaus pack for a Lowe Alpine Contour Event 35 which is a generally better design, although the shoulder straps are a tad on the wide side and are not contoured like the berghaus.

Handed in registration to doctor. Be time to see one soon. Not looking forward to it.

Pain getting worse and worse. I think I'm dying. Know too well now that going to hospital won't get me anywhere. It's unbearable.

17:09  Pain in head now worse than it has ever been, right side of face partially paralysed, can't talk properly. tongue feel thick on that side, eye feels screwed up. Right arm going into spasms, last two fingers not working on that hand. Have been very close to screaming. Pain starting in back now too.

 

Monday, July 10, 2000

10:38  Stiff and sore and sick this morning, but at least I'm up before eleven despite not having got up when I first woke up. Been up for more than half an hour now but so far too nauseous even to take a drink of my tea, never mind breakfast. Ear very irritated this morning. More odd dreams, but not so much waking up during the night, which is a blessed relief. Feeling fat and unattractive, but it's not a deep-seated feeling. I'm not terribly unhappy with the way I look/am. It's just another one of these "I feel awful" feelings.

Elbows very dry and itchy, cut my hair short again yesterday (well, got Marko to do it). Noticed yet more white hairs when I was about to have a bath and suddenly got it into my head that they are a result of being ill. My right leg was aching badly last night, as if it were cramping in the bone. I asked Marko to rub my foot and it really, really hurt, in a not unpleasant sort of way.

Going to try to register with a doctor today. I'm sure such a thing shouldn't be this nerve wracking.

11:08  I'd better mention that the visual disturbances are back today quite strongly and my right leg still hurts, especially the knee.

11:38  Managed to eat my usual muesli, but got a bad headache coming on now and the shakes are starting again. It's a very strange feeling, as if things are flaking away inside. It's very intense, this feeling, but I'm not under the impression that things are actually falling apart. It's a sensation rather than a feeling, you can make that distinction, and not a pleasant one. If it continues I will start getting anxious, irritable and tearful and fractious. I know the pattern.

 

Sunday, July 9, 2000

12:03  Hurt this morning. Another day of waking up early and deciding not to get up until later but feeling worse, even if only marginally worse, for the delay. Contemplating bombing down to Touchwoods to pick up that pack on the grounds that it might cheer me up and I have an hour and a half before I have to leave for the gym. I have to sort out my laundry during that time, but that won't take very long. It is absolutely bucketing down out there though.

Pain in ribs quite intense, but all pain today feels like cramped and spasming muscles rather than the kinds of pain that take increasingly extended metaphors to describe. Had to force myself to eat breakfast. Knew I would need to have something inside me for the gym, knew also that if I ate later I would get sick in the gym, also had to take one of my 3-a-day (borage, evening primrose and fish oil) supplements, and they have to be taken with food. Also trying to get into the habit of eating within half an hour of getting up, as this is supposed to be the optimal time for having breakfast. For someone who has spent years avoiding breakfast on the grounds that she feels extremely nauseous first thing in the morning, this is pretty hard to do.

Sex drive now almost completely non-existent. I mean, I still feel desire for my husband, was noting that last night, in a curiously objective way, but I have no desire to actually have sex. Sort of. It's so hard to explain. I want to have that want, it bothers me that I don't, and I can imagine having that want, but I'm so tired and hurting all the time that there really isn't any burn to drape myself all over him and do despicable things. Sigh. I find him as attractive as I ever did, the passion hasn't actually gone from the relationship, I love him as much as ever, but I worry sometimes that this disorder, whatever it is, is affecting the way I demonstrate it to the degree that maybe he thinks I don't any more. I have talked about it with him though, and I think he knows what the score is.

I think it bothers me more than it bothers him. But that's true of most things.

13:08  Astonishing how much of a difference the weather makes. Bombed down to Touchwoods, picked up pack, was instantly aware of the pain in my knees. Whereas I merrily chugged up the bypass at about 18mph yesterday, in the sun, today, in the rain, my knees seized up completely and I was puffing away at 14mph 2 gears lower. Quite worried about going to the gym now. I'm really astonished at the sudden change, even though I've always known my joints are worse in poor weather.

18:01  Gym was painful and hard. Have dropped back to the level I was at nearly a month ago, which is terribly frustrating. I really must train myself not to look at other people and say "I should be able to do that." The ride back from the gym was very, very difficult. Even the stretches were hard. My knees are very sore now and my coccyx is terribly painful. I am wondering if I have damaged it doing something and what is keeping it bad now is riding the recombent at the gym. But I prefer the recumbent riding position to the upright bikes at the gym. Maybe I should stop using the bike for a while, swap to the treadmill or something. I'm already avoiding the rower. But I like the recumbent, it's a good warm up. I don't think the recumbent is responsible for the damage, but it might be slowing the healing process, in the same way that you can pull a muscle doing something daft and prevent it healing by continuing to use it for ordinary things.

I weighed myself again. I've lost weight in the last couple of days, but not very much. Certainly not enough to be significant, I don't think. If the weight continues to drop then I'll start worrying about it.

19:42  Should also note that I got the most horrendous intermittent migraine while in the gym. At one point I had to bend over and rest my head on my knees it was so bad. I was seeing stars. It wasn't lack of hydration either, because I was very careful about that. Feel quite sick now.