Saturday, July 8, 2000

Skin burning and itching right now too. Might try some stretching later on and see if that eases any of the aches.

17:56  Just thought I'd note that I'm crying now. Don't really know why but the tears are dripping onto the keyboard and my throat is constricted and all I can think about is escaping somewhere wild. A friend of mine said the other day that depression is characterised by not wanting to do things. Oh I want to do things. I want to get out. I want to get a place of our own and beasts. I feel like going back down to Touchwoods right now and writing them a cheque for that daysac and jumping on a train. Only I'd be better off taking my big pack, especially as it's past closing time and I don't know when I'd be coming back anyway.

It's like having some sort of close fitting cage around the chest with someone turning a handle that makes it grow tighter and tighter until you can hardly breathe for the claustrophobia and desperation.

Friday, July 7, 2000

Seems so odd to be considering taking the bike for long trips rather than the car because I'm ill.

22:10  Pain bad in back right now. Feeling stressed in a sort of distant way. Sharp, pinpoint pains in head, shoulders, hips, ribs and cramps in knees and calves. One of those days where I have to be careful to find something really tempting for dinner or I won't want to eat at all. Fish pie. Absorb myself in the preparation, try not to think about the fact I'm going to have to eat it. Sometimes cooking puts me right off, even though I love to cook. Someone once said that smelling all that food makes your brain think you have already eaten so you no longer feel hungry.

Chest hurts quite badly around solar plexus. Getting panicky about finance and my future. Really wish we could find somewhere of our own to live where I could have a cat or dog to keep me company when I'm stuck alone at home. Isolation kills me sometimes. No chance of that until we get settled and I need to finish my PhD for that. No motivation and It's not long before I have to go back. Occasionally think about going over to Silsoe to get some lit research done but my mind clamps down on that. Too many bad personal experiences. I just don't know how I'm going to find the motivation to go back. Wish I had someone to talk to about it, but don't know who. The closer the date gets the worse I feel about it. So much to do.

Haven't been sick for quite a few days now, not since last Friday night. That's pretty good going. Even then it was more of a retch than actual vomiting. Vision has been playing up all week, blurring sometimes so I can't see properly, but the worst thing at the moment is the pain. Digestive system playing up as per usual. Managing generally to stick to the high-ish protein, low-processing diet. Certainly haven't had much junk food recently, although scavenge rules allow for the odd pasty in desperate circumstances.

Am now taking supplements - Quest once-a-day chelated multivit, Cal-Mag 500-250, Vit E 600iu and Quest Gamma Marine 750mg (Evening Primrose, Borage and Fish oil). Will make a note if I notice any significant improvement.

The summer cold seems to be making another bid to reduce me to a phlegmy mess, which is terribly frustrating. Trying to justify the purchase of a few things I think might make my life easier in terms of getting out and about - a 25L daysack with better back support so I can get out walking more and such things. Don't really have the funds for it and that is frustrating and worrying me as well.

Thursday, July 6, 2000

23:07  Day was...

Well. It could have been worse. Fairly stressful, physically stiff, too restless to get comfy at all. Depression came in quite badly just after lunch (noodles and peanut butter on wholemeal bread). Started crying even though I was at work and therefore in a public place and on duty. Phoned Marko, meeped at him down the phone for a while, but he had to get to work too. Pain has been constant but dull, just enough to wear without actually being enough to shorten the breath and make it a necessity to give up on one's current endeavours and go home and curl up somewhere.

Went to the gym for the first time in 2 and a half weeks tonight, just did a light session. Have lost a lot of the progress I made over the couple of months when I was feeling better. Back is starting to hurt again, I know it's bruised even though I haven't looked. I can't figure out what I'm doing wrong, my form is fine. I didn't drink enough water, which might explain the pounding, dizzy-making headache I got towards the end (750mls not enough). Scared myself on the new step machine which has a heart rate monitor - working at my usual rat I had a heartrate of 178 in 10 minutes. Used a relaxation technique and blipped it down to 140 but nearly fell off. I didn't feel bad though. Had to make it a very light session. Not much energy and my muscles got very tired very quickly on the strength exercises. Had to leave myself at 160 crunches instead of the usual 320.

Tired now. Depression hasn't lifted but has sort of gone dull and off to one side, like I'm too tired to be really depressed. But not sleepy tired. Emotionally tired. Flat and dull. Still need to eat and have no appetite. Not looking forward to going to bed for some reason. The invasion of my sleep by vivid and nightmarish dreams is getting to me. I close me eyes and I'm dreaming and it doesn't let up.

Weight now 140lbs dead on, according to the one in the gym.

Wednesday, July 5, 2000

Back pain, which was so unbearable I ended up in Casualty only the other day has subsided to a squashable level. I hurt most just underneath the ribs right now. Eating late again, which we really should stop, and I feel too sick to be hungry. Getting nervous about trying to find a doctor and I keep thinking time is getting short for getting back to my PhD and I haven't really done anything about it. April, May, June...July now, month 4 of my suspension. Crumbs.