|
Monday, April 29, 2002 14:26
SighFeeling kind of despondent today. I'm run down, I think. The rash, which had been fairly settled in a weird kind of way (the skin wasn't cracking but there was this mottled red effect going on underneath the outer layers of skin), has now started coming back quite strongly, so my face is read and blotchy, my eyes are really puffy and swollen first thing in the morning, and across my stomach, round my ribs and various other places is becoming this weirdly dry, shiny texture which runs a real risk of splitting if I move in the wrong way. I have a pretty sore head too, and I'm trying to get my hydration back on track but am fairly nauseous. Work is just depressing, I'm starting to find not having our own place is wearing really badly, and to top it all off, I had to write a letter to the registry at Cranfield because they told me that if they didn't hear from me by the end of the month then they were going to cancel my registration permanently. Jeez. Two years and more of trying to sort it out then they give me a 4 week deadline or else that's it. I was decidedly stiff in response. Been having some pretty peculiar dreams as well. Last night I had this dream in which Frood and I were involved in some sort of test or exam. It was a bit like one of these survival games on telly - Bare Necessities being the one that comes to mind. It even had Hugh in it. There was a group of about ten of us, I think, and we were dispatched to this tiny village on the edge of a forest, which was on the foothills of a mountain range. The village was owned by the company who had sent us there, although we didn't realise that at first. We were given a small house, told to sort out our accommodation and then left to it. The next day some of us were taken out, while the rest were left behind, with no word. This happened the next day as well. Each time the group would come back looking absolutely exhausted, pale and shivering. They wouldn't talk about it. On the third day, Frood and I were among those taken out. We were taken into the middle of the woods and rather unceremoniously dumped. While the other two people in this little sub-group looked panicked and unhappy, Frood and I just looked at each other then struck off into the woods. We were out there, enjoying the wilderness and the stars, surviving on what was knocking about, for four days. Sometimes we could hear the company's crew looking for us but we lay low and hid. As far as we were concerned, they were mucking us about, and they had picked the wrong folk to whom do that. Frood and I could play that game as well. Eventually we strolled back to the house, to find the other people looking scared and jittery. We had baths, went to bed for a nap, and were eventually woken up by Hugh who was standing at the end of our bed looking at us with this pleased but exasperated grin on his face. Apparently the crew were not terribly pleased with us, but as far as he was concerned we were just fine. We didn't care what the crew thought anyway, but Hugh was a good bloke. I am seriously considering going back to writing, but I'm not sure that my stuff is good enough. No, that's not strictly true. I just know how hard it is to get material accepted, and I also know that it's a buyer's market. The kind of material that I write is hardly popular fiction. I'm also wary of the disappointment I'd feel being turned down all the time, which is something for which you have to be prepared if you are going to try to get anything published. There's also the time consideration, of course. I don't really have much time as it is, to the point where I am contemplating trying to find someone else to run the Bicycle Users Group at work, and have already decided, really, that I can't be anything like a driver for Cruithni because I don't have the time or the energy left. I know I have to spend more time on myself, looking after myself. Since the big shake-up I haven't really had anyone to help out with healing or dealing with the myriad and sundry issues that have been raised by the change. I wasn't expecting there to be so many, or expecting there to be so many new ones cropping up all the time. If I wake up in the morning and my solar plexus node has gone down, as it has always been wont to do, what do I do about it? I don't actually know how to deal with these problems because it has never been part of my remit to know - in fact, it has been just the opposite. Things are so tough on those fronts at the moment that I am starting to have serious doubts about my fundamental ability. I'm listening to friends and people I've worked with and thinking that I can't possibly do the things they do, whereas a couple of years ago I had unshakeable confidence. This, of course, means that I am having doubts about a lot of the experiences I have had, so I'm feeling particularly fragile and vulnerable at the moment. This isn't helping my general demeanour or my morale. Gym night tonight, but I don't really feel particularly enthusiastic. I hurt my back quite badly last week, although it wasn't nearly as bad as it could have been. Previous back injuries like this have left me practically crippled for weeks, but T'ai Chi has certainly helped big time. The last couple of gym sessions have been pretty poor, though, so I'm finding it difficult to work up the motivation to go, especially as I know I'll have to be extra special careful because my back is still iffy. Even Fingal is having a bad time of it. I noticed he'd lost a bolt from his rack this morning, just as I was about to leave, so had to run around looking for a bolt that would fit. Just when the transmission had started behaving better too. There's a job going in North Wales. Basically the exact same job as I am doing now, but in North Wales, where one can find a ten-bedroomed property for less than 80k. I'm sorely tempted because the property prices mean we could afford somewhere but it is just the same job as I'm doing now. I'll discuss it with Frood tonight, I think. I'd be closer to my family, but I don't know what the job market is like for Frood and Booze Monkey (if he were even going to come). Wonder if any more rooks will have fallen out of the nests? There were three on Friday, but they were all dead. Can only just have missed them though - they were still warm. The bodies were gone this morning, I expect a fox or a badger got them. It's blowing a gale down here at the moment, so there's a big risk of nestfalls. It's quite difficult to cycle, as well. Feel like I want to cry but I don't really have good reason. My heart's aching but it's a sad kind of ache, as if everything I see is reminding me of the plight of the world and how little I seem to be able to do about it.
|