|
|
|
Sunday, April 14, 2002
10:42 
I may be crazy but that doesn't mean I'm wrong. I'm mad not ill
I haven't been remembering my dreams very much recently. I'm not entirely sure why, but I know that it's not because I'm incapable. A lot of it is having to get up for work every morning - I'm not a morning person. I'm more the sort of person who will stay up quite late and then get up quite late. If I have to get up before I am ready, then I have difficulty keeping the dreams in enough of my long-term memory to retrieve it later. Sometimes I can remember them, but often I can't under those circumstances. Part of it, though, is because right now I'm not supposed to be remembering them because I'm in a transition state, and while I might be out there working still (I know I am), it's almost as if it is important that I am not trapped into thinking that I am a certain thing, that I am not left with preconceptions because of the way my dreams are going at night. It feels as if I have to reach a certain point, release a certain degree of this untapped potential that I can sense, before I will be able to look at my dreams in the right light. Until then, I might still be doing the work, and if it's important that I can pass on information or discuss things with others then I can remember the necessary information, but otherwise my dreams are not as clear to me as they once were.
They said that this could take years. That's a lot to take for someone as proactive and impatient as me. I want to be past this, to have opened that door and be moving on. I've been through this cycle before any number of times, and each time it seems to take longer. I suppose I could read that as meaning that it takes more work to do the refining, to do the details work of making the edges perfect. I could interpret that as meaning it was quicker in the past because the work that had to be done to me and myself then involved large-scale, sweeping changes.
There seems to be a much more physical emphasis on what is being expected of me now. The training, the way things are happening in consensus - one of my work colleagues asked me for a rune reading this week and tried to pay me for it. I was stunned, and told her not to be silly. It was more a favour for a friend, although I'm not sure that I would have refused payment from someone I didn't like so much, and that's a big change. Accepting payment for doing a rune reading would be acknowledgement in myself that my skill as a rune caster is worth payment, that my interpretations are a value added product (ha). More than that, however (because I know that already), it would be acceptance that I deserve payment, that I deserve to be rewarded for my efforts. Any reward that has come in the past has been from Family, and has been ethereal at best. Due payment for work done in the context of non-consensus effort is a real shift in attitude.
At the end of the day I don't believe any of this. To be given payment for something like this is like having a computer model that may or may not be representative of a real-world system, fiddling with it (albeit skilfully) to produce an answer to a question from someone who believes there is some great truth in that model, and being paid by those people. It almost feels like cheating.
And there's the crux of the issue, I suspect. I don't believe. In our creed (if you can call it that), belief is not necessary. Either a thing happens or it does not. As I am unwilling to say that the evidence so far is incontrovertible in demonstrating that this sort of thing goes on, I cannot say that my skills in non-consensus are worthwhile. I have no way of measuring how good I am at what I do because I have no experience that I can hold up and say is demonstrable proof that my skills are something more than wishful thinking. I say this despite some very inexplicable experiences, and I can't decide why I cannot accept those experiences as being enough evidence.
To prove that my skills are worthwhile, to my own satisfaction (this has nothing to do with anyone else), I need to use them to create more of those otherwise inexplicable experiences. Or I need to abandon the cause and effect meme.
Come on folks. Don't just sit there throwing peanuts. I'm working hard here and I could use a break.
|
|