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Friday, February 15, 2002 13:50
Ever wondered what we look like? That's AndyG, Frood and me.  That's me and Frood under there, drinking tea.  That's a rather unclear picture of me and Frood visiting with Thought and Memory at the NBPC. Must renew my membership. Yes, that is a Trepan.com t-shirt Frood is wearing.  That's me and Nick (my brother who doesn't have a website, but you can see what sort of thing he does at Scott Process Technology) and AndyG. We're looking out over the Corryvreckan in that one.
Thursday, February 14, 2002 13:32
Pushing TigersTai-Chi last night was fun. We did a new part of the form called "Pushing the Tiger Away". Now that's all very well, and I understand that you have to hold the tiger's head as you step back, twisting its head around on its neck, then push it to one side while you stop traffic but it's a tiger! You ask me to visualise a tiger's head in my hands and I'm going to get nervous because they are very strong, have great big pointy teeth, and generally don't take kindly to being manhandled and then dismissed like you would one of Andy's stupid cats. I did end up giggling rather a lot and claiming that it was far too hard to manhandle tigers around. My toe still hurts and the ride in this morning was very hard. I get Tai-Chi legs on a Thursday morning. I always thought it was supposed to be relaxing and gentle, but I'm coming to the conclusion that it's only relaxing and gentle after you've been doing it for ten years and standing in horse stance for an hour doesn't make your thighs tremble. It's sunny again today, which is maddening. Still, it's supposed to hold for the weekend. It was cold this morning, though. Yesterday I rode in shorts, this morning I was wishing I had put my winter gloves on, my fingers got so cold. My front mech is playing up a bit as well, so Fingal may well have to experience some time in the stand this evening while I take a good look at it. Hopefully my new dynamo rubbers and Klick-Fix map holder from St John's Street Cycles will have arrived by the time I get back. Maybe I'll be able to get out with our replacement camera this weekend and get some photos. We've been here almost a year and still haven't taken any photos. I have my interview for this job on Tuesday next week. RS handed me the letter yesterday, saying it would save on postage. I haven't heard back about the Swansea EPO position, and yesterday I finally got around to filling in and sending off the application for the National Recruitment programme. I have sensed the first hints of approaching summer now. Now's the time to really make an effort in working out what I want to accomplish this year. It always feels so hard to set goals when everything seems to be in a permanent state of transition. I don't even know where I'm going to be come Beltane, never mind what I might be doing. I think I need a holiday.
Wednesday, February 13, 2002 13:01 Did I mention that the West Country Way cycle route tracks the Michael Line for the part that I find interesting? That bit between Bridgwater and Glastonbury. I suppose that if you added the Cornish Way to the bottom you could practically track the Michael Line by bike at least as far as Glastonbury? Or maybe not. Incidentally, I've just sent off an application form to get onto the new EA EPO national recruitment programme, so keep your fingers crossed for me.
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Tuesday, February 12, 2002 11:20
FetteredI can't concentrate today. I think I broke my toe on Sunday, and it's still pretty painful and swollen, but it's not that. I spent yesterday in bed with my foot up ostensibly to get the swelling down, but really it was because I'm completely exhausted and just couldn't face work. I sat in bed and read my book of Norse myths, finding myself unable to avoid the similarities between Loki and Uncle Coyote, and Ošin and Raven. I read the myths with an interesting slant and was nearly in tears when Loki was finally bound in fetters made of his own son's intestines, with the snake dripping venom on him. I felt not only my grief at what felt like a sorry, tragic and bitter end for a favoured uncle, but Ošin's grief at having such a thing come to pass with His own brother, with all that was to follow. Things feel pretty weird right now, to be sure. I have a sense of being distracted from things I should be doing to get through day to day life by things that are connected with my magical work but are currently suppressed because of my day to day life, which is entirely appropriate, I suppose. Perhaps I've oscillated too far in the opposite direction from where I was last year, in which everything was to do with the magical side. That doesn't feel quite right, though. It feels stagnant, again. I had thought that I had pushed past that when I went to visit Wapaq at Yule. I also have that feeling of needing a holiday, needing to connect again. The last time we were out anywhere was when we went to Grimspound last year, sometime during November. That was some time ago and I didn't get much sense of connection while I was out there, just a feeling of displacement when I saw the cars going past on the road in the distance and had to work to remember that they were cars and not some strange demon (I don't know). Now I'm having this weirdness with the Michael Line, and I'm not sure what to make of that, especially as I am not entirely convinced by the Michael Line on principle. Also, I'm having some pretty dire withdrawal symptoms from going solo, as it were. My system hasn't quite grasped that there is no stabilising link any more and it is having these spasms where it starts trying to find something to which to connect. It's pretty debilitating, but these spells don't seem to last long. They happen most when I'm tired or down, which is only obvious. I also miss the Group, much more now that I'm on my own. I didn't expect that. I don't get many visitors any more either, and that's a source of some distress. Still, with any luck the weather will improve steadily and I can get out more at weekends. Even so, I'm tired all the time and I'm worried that if I start adding long weekend rides to my current regime, I will start to run myself into the ground really quickly, Fingal or no Fingal. My body-mind dialogue seems to be suffering from some bandwidth problems at the moment or something. I'm generally pretty good at listening to what my body is telling me, but at the moment it genuinely feels like something has come along and gagged it and I can't see how it has been reduced to muffled mumbling. Otherwise I could clear the blockage. Imbolc has come and gone now, and I was aware that things might start ramping up at Imbolc. So far there have been hints of things starting to happen, but nothing connected directly with me as such. I do feel like I'm being left behind in some ways. One of the people I trust most in the world feels rather distant at the moment, as if that person is drifting away into a different place in the grand scheme of things. A couple of months ago I felt very close, but somehow it doesn't feel that way any more and I'm worried that it's more to do with me turning in on myself in frustration than anything else. It feels a bit like there's too much of me to be crammed into this body, and my body is feeling the strain because I have no way of releasing all that - like being stuck in the back of a car with no opportunity to stretch your legs for hours and hours. I can't remember the last time I put my "magical" abilities to conscious use for anything other than something trivial. I can't remember the last time I made a conscious effort to shift. It's not right, but I can't do it just because. There has to be a reason. There is something not right in the state of Denmark, and I can't figure out what it is. Apart from the obvious, that is. Oh aye. And staying up far too late at night watching the Winter Olympics because there is something utterly compelling about the Biathlon (and his name is Bjoerndalen).
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