19:25 
Went up to Wittenham Clumps. That was where Wyrd and I introduced a colony of fecky wee things to keep the trees company. They're not easy to spot - they seem to have evolved new behaviour compared to the ones we brought in, but the trees looked a lot happier. A couple of the trees are still very tired looking, but even they are happier, although they can't see themselves recovering any time soon. It's Autumn now too, so they're all just winding down. Wandered up towards Brightlingwell Barrow, just to have a look. Someone once told me it is a spooky place, but there's not much to it. It feels rather dead. Picked up a small feather on the way back to the fort and put in one of the two holes where we originally left the faeries, just to say hello and thankyou and sorry for not visiting sooner. They like feathers, those ones. No sloes that I could see, although the hawthorn had plenty of berries. Took a few photos.
Met a couple of chaps by the stone that has the poem on it. They thought I was a man, and I corrected them. They were most contrite and seemed somewhat suprised by my coat - I was wearing my German army coat, because I'm feeling the cold a lot right now. I explained that I got it when I was doing archaeology because it's tough and warm and you can get it all muddy then throw it in the washing machine and not have to worry about it. That got them asking me about the hill fort itself, the sort of fortifications it would have had, and also about some other things, like barrows and tombs and archaeological sites around England and Ireland. They were really nice. Not often you meet people who show genuine interest like that.
The walk was exhausting, although it wasn't far. I'm stiff and so very sore all over. It's quite difficult to breathe at times. Feeling very lost and lonely. Andy messaged and said he'd been sick today, and now I'm wondering what it was that made him sick and hoping that some impetuous urge didn't cause him to take his amanita without adequate preparation. He might have discarded his twin when he discarded his paradigm, and the connection might be gone, but that doesn't mean I don't care any more. In some ways, in fact, it's harder, because I'm grieving for a lost twin while still worrying about the man who remains, even though I'm not exactly sure how I do feel about him now. Numb, I think. Shocked.
Everything hurts too much today.
I hate the idea that they are trying to make him learn to think things through properly by letting him do things that he'll regret and will hurt him. It is possible to learn from small mistakes.
11:57
Did a volunteer training day yesterday up at the stones. Fred's a good bloke. He has a happy dog, a lurcher called Bob, who is happy despite not feeling very well right now, and his dog liked me, so that was ok. He also seemed quite on top of things, spotting a few of my guard constructs and seeming quite capable of listening to the site. Were I being paranoid I'd say that guessing that those contructs were there is an easy enough matter and the rest could be done by anyone setting out to impress, but I think those ideas are simply the usual scepticism bleeding through and a result of having a really bad night. He invited me down to visit him at his house near Chippenham - he says it's situated right over a node and is a really sound place. I think I might take him up on his offer, if only because I think I'm in love with Bob's eyebrows.
The pain hit me a couple of hours after I got back in, left me whimpering on the sofa with tears streaming. Not crying, just hurting so much my eyes were watering. It's all in my coccyx and in my abdomen, where it feels like it has been scraped out. It hurts quite a lot where the ribs feel like they are sticking out through the skin. Jess did say that there was a good chance of infection, even though she had managed to bind it. I think she was going to flush it out last night.
Last night. Last night was dreadful. I spent most of it in paroxysms of choking, unable to breathe. Frood was dead to the world, didn't notice at all. The pain was extraordinary, I think I was delirious for some of it. Certainly the boundary between dreaming and wakefulness was very much blurred.
I can't remember much of what I was dreaming about. I dreamed about Andy, and Wyrd, about a boat like a pirate's ship (in intent rather than appearance), about landing on a beach where sand drifted up against rocks. There was a small seaside town, too, where we had to go. I think we had a house there, a large one. We seemed to be part of some troubleshooting team.
I really don't remember enough about it to describe. Last night was just too awful.
I do miss him, but it's an empty feeling now. That feeling of it being too late now to do anything. Life goes on. I learned that last time, even though I'm not over that yet, not entirely. I'm getting there. I can't decide whether the fact that I haven't heard much from him since Friday makes it easier or harder. Easier one way, harder the other, I suspect.