. . . .then we'll begin. . . .

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da pawable of da kinge

Once , some one hundredan' fifty thousand moons ago or there abouts , when giants still wolked the erf there lived a great and nobel warrior kinge . Kinge Colin of the thrice forged sword ( this woz purley for security reasons , only kinge colin new witch of the four swords that surmounted his throan was the real one ) It woz this sword that allowed the conektion of the Kinge and the land , for in thoes days the kinge and the land wer trully as one . The sword was simply called the sword it have no other name ( altho the forgeries were called Mary , Mungo 'n' Midge ) .

Across the globe wer many fair an mitey cities rulled by his brover kinges and sister queens ( sum of the kinges wer also queens ) , but nun so magnificent as Colins own city , the city of ERM . Loike the other great costal cities of the age it wernt exactly built but shaped , grown 'n' formed of the livin rok of the land . The city of ERM wuz beautious to behold , its masonry lookin at once both natural and manmade dependin on da lite . Kinge Colin was a benign ruler well wuved by his peeople an' guvenin them with a light touche of his rite hand wheras the left grasped a rod of iorn for treatin with his enemenies . Kinge colin was bothe learned an wise havin been edukated at the schools of mathematics , astronomy , music , literature , art and bingo . Intelegent an wise but not understandin and as such ignorant in his bliss . At the center of ERM was the great temple of the stair that connected the experiential world with the world of the gods . No mortal was allowed more than half way up the stair when entreating with the gods . A supplicant had to shout and holler from there or if the wind was rite they could use a kite to attach there messages too .

One da' one sad day the demon Bronte came unto Kinge Colin she be a demon of pride and predudice an wispered in his ear wile he catch forty winks "You art more than other men , as kinge are you not more than mortal ? Are thee not part devine ? " she sed . "Surley thou must be allowed to ascend the stair unto the very gates of heaven itself and beyond ." kinge Colin was gripped by a demonik fever , left his pallace and ran throu the streets of ERM towards the great temple . Ther wer a great multitude of supplicants but he hesitated not and made his way to the foot of the stair shoutin all the wile and tossin his subjects aside in his haste . Kinge colin mounted the stair and begun his ascent giving not even the briefest reverent pause at the middle step he forged upwards . The gods soon noticed and they were most wrath for the comotion below interrupted there whist drive . Pingu the god of lancing boils said "Oi! look at that the cheeky sod ." "Bleedin hubris mate . " replied Bagpuss the god of drowned cats . The gods were muched distressed by the behavoir of this uppity mortal and decided to teach him a jolly good lesson . So decided the gods locked the door to heaven and wile Kinge Colin was demandin to be let in they all went home and on the agreed signal of the hooting jellyfish did the at once in unison flush their celestial lavatories . They did this agane and agane , so much that quickly the level of the sea did rise innundating the glorious cities of earth . Kinge colin soon noticed when the cries of his people turned into laughing and splashins . He gazed down the stair to see many an inflatable object and his people cavorting in the waves . Wot have i done he thought , o woe be me that i have brought mi peeps unto this . He at once joined with the land causing it to rise and his people to become beached and cry out in anguish " spoilsport " . The gods continued to flush and once more the sea rose . Colin lifted the land oncemore but in vain , the sea rose quicker . The city of ERM was dissapeared beneath the waves for ever more as wer the cities of UM , EH ? , WOT , PARDON , EXCUSE ME , MIND YER BACKS and most sadly of all MINES A PINT .

Civilisation came to an end that day , the people of the world were decimated ten times in a row till only 34 . 867843 % of the worlds population survived and these were scattered to the four winds . Much knowledge and learning were lost . Humanity had to start agane from skratch . All because of the hubris of a Kinge who although woz one wiv the land , possessed wiv knowledge and wisdom , through lack of understanding at the end was all at sea .

«7:00:27 PM»
(0) hath spaken

Yea an' it were spoken in the darkness that a most powerful tool of edukation be bad poetry . This be coz bad poetry work on many different levels , it teach us fings without us necessarilly knoin' it at the time . Wot is more be that this is a web site an' it wud not rilly be a propper one wivout a load of shite verse on it . Shite 'n' pretentious in places such as this piece of drivvel penned by saint eggy bred to celebrate the commin' of the fith neoprene horseman . It be simple an' ellequent speakin from the pusstulatin' heart that is stairianism an' simply called "Yes , and ?".

Truth , stranger than fiction .
Life , stranger than truth .
The wise man is a fool
and nought but a tool
of knowledge and it's proof .

Revolutions children ,
do surley fool themselves .
Their dreams of tomorrow ,
the paths that they follow ,
and some believe they're elves .

Cry havoc , loose the dogs of war
on friend and foe alike .
Use manipulation
through capitulation ,
two wheels on the same bike .

Beauty in beholders eye ,
as deep as skin may be .
Logic , intuition ;
combined , no distinction .
Perhaps this is the key .

Travel on expenses ,
stopping halfway there .
Find yourself ascended ,
All at once befriended .
Upon a cosmic stair .

«4:27:33 PM»

Somewhere ther is a shop for each and everyone of us . A special shop just for us alone , or so it seem . In it is everything we could possibly want , unfortunately just like at three thirty two in the morning when you fancy garlic butter on toast ( which you dont have the ingreedients for ) and the shops are shut the special shop you will find shut too wen u are in need of succor of a spiritual/physical nature . In fact for most people the special shop is always shut . The sign on the door permanently turned to closed , they can peer in the window and see what they want but no matter when they turn up the little yoda like man who runs it has just popped out to tea or seen them coming and locked the door before hiding under the counter till they go away . A bit like god really innit . This is why many peeps are unhapy , not only can they not get wot they want but there is no hope of them gettin' what the need by mistake instead of wot they want . For followers of stairianism the shop is never truly shut because it has never truly been open , a stairian is equiped with the half brik of fortitude that allows them to gain access to their special shop and even better allows them to ransack and vanderlise the special shops of others . «6:34:36 PM»

Now , the most non sacred annimal of stairianism be the moon bunny . This be 'cos just loike many pagans they tend to be at stone cirkles an' the loike on nites of and around the full of da moon . It is generraly only possible to see them if U kno the propper artikles and rituals of summonin' . Even if you don't see 'em dey are still there an' even if ya do see 'em then it be only as a silky shado sneakin' akross the surface of the stones . Many Toimes hav I been seein' dem at the Rollright Stones . This be wear I first saw dem an' I rekkon dat it be a major breedin' ground for da little buggas . Butt be worned , never invoke ye the Midnite moon bunny for he be most powerful of the moon folk an' as such be verry busy an' loike to get narked if you bover 'im without good reason or raisins in yore pockets . Yea a pocket full of dried fruit ( speshelly rasins ) be the only defense 'gainst a put out member of the moon folk . Gird not thy loins with jam for thee will kum to a stiky end by moon bunnies will . Amen .

To Summon da moon bunny ( Artikles 'n' rituals by Saint Baggy Trousers )

Skatter ye not of the dried fruit ye carry nor of any other fing upon the ground in representation of cirkle , ward or arkane device . 'Stead under cover of silvry moon lite approach ye a stone or surface suitable of purpose, moon bunny for the summonin' of . Wiv moon astride thy sinister shoulder . Then crouch ye sinister hand in dexter fruit filled pocket , dexter arm extended wiv hand curled in da mystic forth sign of starianism an' recite .

By silvery moon 'n' fruit filled pocket
Descend moon bunny by mystik rocket
A mystik rocket of moon beams fair
So come down here from way up there

I abjure thee bunny of shadowy nite
upon this stone here too alite
Thy umbran grace for all to see
That a bunny of the moon is reality

Dance moon bunny in silouett
For you are free and no ones pet
Wiv twitchy nose and wiggly ears
watcher of the nite and keeper of fears

Moon bunny moon bunny fly away home
I have not the power to bind thee to stone
return at once through the shimmering sky
To the warren of the moon where you never will die
«6:38:26 PM»

Here is a short list of Saints of the confusion that you will not yet be aware of an' are totally unimportant .

Saint Belly Button Fluff , patron saint of fleas and the colour green .
Saint Crumhorn , patron saint of sticky up fings .
Saint Babbage , patron saint of floppy fings 'n' coats .
Saint Pigs In Space , patron saint of pigs in space .
Saint Polydactyl , patron saint of trifle an' sewage treatment works .
Saint Cor Lummie Guv , patron saint of sperm .
Saint He's Behind You! , patron saint of muggers 'n' tea shops .
Saint Hyperbole , patron saint of patron saints .
Saint Larry The Lamb , patron saint of cows and chewy fings .
Saint Bagpuss , patron saint of all things that are not saggy , old , made of cloth , a bit loose at the seams or loved . «5:51:59 PM»

And now a short poem about bees

Once upon a toime wuz a bee who went buzz
He was yellow 'n' black 'n' covered in fuzz
Who flew cross da sky sum flowers to find
Den dance da location to others his kind

He lived in da hive where hunny woz made
nice 'n' sweet of a very high grade
Wiv a big fuzzy queen who ruled da hive
Makin bee babies so da race would survive

Until one day wen da beekeep he stung
Discoverin' his stinger woz more like a bung
Dat kept his bee bits safe inside
Wiv his insides out this bee he den died
«6:35:40 PM»

An excerpt from "On the nature of the Devine Matrix 'n' IT and other fables" by Saint Kendal Mint Cake ( 1635 AD - 13:56 GMT ).

It shud not kneed to be mentyohned that upun the stair of bein' dat the conxeptz of up 'n' down hold no twue meenin' ( butt I sed it now aint I ) . The stair it exist in perpechewity an' oll direktiones at nonce seamlessly . Rather youse hither 'n' thither or now an' agane , Better yet not to youse anyfing fore the natur of IT ( loike da ainchent munky of yore ) was , is and allwayz will be irrepressible . The matrix is akin to da craklin' of diskarded crisp paketts upun the field of dreams in a land were de one eyed king is man an' de ferrets of retisence reside within his frayed trouse . Butt even den it aint loike dat attol . Ah , da mistry of it oll ! To be wun wiv da matrix , den 'n' ownly den do nuffin' bekum possible 'n' the trufe dat is not kum to alight in yor hart loike da feavered moose of mornin' .

So I sez unto ye , eat of da lime fore da flesh it be good . Lik da salt of derision for it be loike a bruva unto ye 'n' he dat consumes the worm of the wurlde shalt be nippin' darn da offie booza for anuva bottle of tequilla 'n' a pak of fags , innit . «6:09:47 PM»

The lords of convenience are ancient , mysterious and powerfull beings that are to be found in the dark recesses of the stair where they prey upon ascendants and descendants alike . They are of the stair but not part of it and within them the matrix has become corrupted, they are drawn unto knowledge providing reason and explanation , facts and data . Thus providing false understandin' and delusion . The only defense is to eschew knowlegde and through watcheng there rather ammusing antics , as they prowl the shadows can a little bit of true understanding be found but only if the watcher is not burdened with ideas . For ideas are the bastard child of preconxeption and knowledge . Ideas are anathama to the matrix thus IT will have nothing to do with them and ye should do well not to neither . «5:33:28 PM»

Much pointless energy has been expended by false prophets on describing the nature of the stair of being . Paying attention to the type of carpet , wot it is made of and the pattern it is imbued with , the mystic carvings of the banister rails , the symbolic nature of the choice of wood used for the banister and the glorious extravagance of the knewel post itself . Is it gilded , gem encrusted , varnished or wot . They look for meanings in all these fings and more but their perceptions are coloured by the rose tinted ocelots of preconception that all such fools have strapped unto their sensory aparatus . They find majesty among the dregs , unable or unwilling to let go they clutch unto the ragged tatters of a cloak formed of the fluff of the realm of experiential existance as they start to klime the stair . As such they will always be dissapointed upon the stair , searching endlessly for definitions where none are to be found . The lust for experience needs to be left behind when one takes there first step and starts to ascend. The clue is their , the stair of being . On it you just are there is nothing to experience , except the bagage you bring with you . Leave it behind and just let IT be . Do not ask wot IT is ! IT is one of the cardinal points of understandin' that may be revealed upon the stair unto non searchers and no seakers . For without understanding the stair is as nothing to you . Oh yes , the false prophets may possess 'knowledge' of the stair , but wot is knowledge without unnerstanding ? To understand without knowing is part of the divine matrix of the stair and brings us closer to IT . Many travelers upon the stair never even brush the surface layers of the matrix let alone join with IT . For them , with the passing of the illusion of life a journey towards the light commences , you have all heard of this phonomenom . This journey will take them towards the upstairs loo of confusing aroma ( heaven ) or the porch of exhaustive reason ( hell ) depending on which light was left on and what the false profet knows they deserve . See it all comes down to knowledge agane ! I proudly claim that I don't know . Knowledge is a snare set by lords of convenience to entrap the foolish and unwary . So join with me , plunge your hands into the matrix , dont feel ! Be ! And say loud and proud "we don't know either! "

Here endeth this partikular lesson . «4:58:50 PM»

The Church of the stairian conspiracy is ordered thusly .

The Exarch ( Top dog , font of all knowledge 'n' wisdom . That's me and/or meself and/or I dependin on stuff and bein' seated half way up the stair of being )

The Confusion of Saints ( one step beyond (( cue music )) as all saints need to ascend too far at first in order to teach 'em humility an' so I can say " Told you so " and feel smug )

The Three Quires of Angles ( Being Acute , Reflex 'n' Obtuse and seated where ever the hell I dam well please as long as it's belo me and in reach so as I can give 'em a good kikkin' wen they get uppity or I just feel loike it )

The Seven Ark-Bio-Shops of the Day ( Bein' Today , Yesterday , Tomorrow , A week on Friday , Some day , Gay day and Colin an' seated below the current lowest Quire )

The Twenty-six Bio-Shops of Alphabetty Spagetty ( Being freez dried , encased in amber and worn round the Exarch's neck strung on finest maidens hair )

Anything else I want ( Being made up as I goes along )

The Alcoholites ( Being proles like you with one foot in the hallway and t'other on the first step . That be called by some Festoon )

The Limetless Bannanananas of Fecundity ( Bein' so called normal folks )
«6:27:01 PM»

The truth that is not is what we ( the triumvirate ) call one of the N fixed axises of rotational bi - valve conciousnes .

Meself ( part of the triumvirate ) think that Saint Chateau Kirwan 1995 shud be locked up for his own good far far away from any source of jam or powdered wasabi . whereas I and me ( the other bits of the triumvirate ) couldn't give a monkeys and say " Confusion to the French " at every inoppurtune moment .

The journey from the hallway of experiential existance , ascending to halfway up the stair of being is wot stairianism is all about ( but only on tuesdays and thursdays unless it's may or a month divisible by air and or steam , twigs and bark don't count ) . For thoes foolish enuf to ascend further up the stair of being ( basically any other belief system ) things become more and more certain until the they believe that they are right and only them . They emerge onto the landing that dare not speak it's name ( Colin ) believin' they have found the truth that is . Oh woe unto foolish hooman kind in their hubris .

As Saint Fizzy Sharks once sed " Far better it be to remain in the hallway where the stair can be at least seen than too assend to far ." «5:15:00 PM»

Starianism is occaisonaly concerned with the truth that is not . We who have ascended the stair of being far enuf , but not too far kno all about it . But for beginers Saint Chateau Kirwan 1995 explains it thusly .

" It's like painting yor experiences the smell of chip butties innit ? Loike life 'n' stuff in a jar on the mantlepeice with a faded lable you kant read but looks a bit loike ' squishy 42 variant ' in the wrong lite . Nuff sed ."

Admittedly this was after a twelve day party when he had smoked a kilo of powdered wasabi coz all the jam had been snorted already . Shortly after he slid down the banister of being descendin' to the mortal realm ( the hallway of experiential existance ) to begin his epic quest for a CD entitled ' music to die for ' . This is a compilation of music used in fillums where peeps get killed in sloe motion . You know , like that bit in platoon . He has yet to return . «4:55:21 PM»

Phew ! Finaly got that aubergene out , it took a wee while and no mistake . Wot with the super size tongs and industrial strength vacume pump . Anyhow , now my hands are free I can type agane . It is amazin' wot effect all that rooting around inside meself had on me spiritual conciousness . Yep I have had meself a relevation and hereby appoint me the first exarch of the church of the stairian conspiracy . Stairian is short for half way up the stairian . This religion is by definition then not really anyfink it's somefink else instead . ( A A Milne was closer to the troof than he knew ) . Starianism will invert your prekonceptions of self , reality , and stuff by the mechanisms of ludicrosity 'n' makin' it up as I goes along . Absolut troofs that are nuffin' of the kind will be imparted to my alcoholites as and wen I can be bothered . Togeather we shall quest akross the landscape of wisdom , for it is not a place and no path or road leeds there . And if the twin mystik black puddins of trepidation and uncertainty are willing paradise will be found by all ! For trully paradise is indeed half way up the stair and that aint just a metafore ( well not for the trully enlightened loike meself ) . So let the word be spread like too hard butter ( kinda lumpy and it tears the bred ) that the truth that is no such thing can be found here unless it's down the back of the sofa with Atlantis and Glen Miller .

Any qwestions of a spiritual ( or other ) nature can be e - mailed to me and answers will be provided here . Yea tho I am fully steeped in the mysteries of starianism it is oft times difficult to frase them in common parlance . The truth that is not may only remain unfound throu interaction . So be not converted let all sorts of funny thoughts run through your head for you aint rilly anyfing yor summin' else instead . «4:01:17 PM»

No fair! I am now crusty bit less, and at my time of life too . Yea, there will be a great gnashing of darkness and wailing in the teeth when news of this gets to authorities I'll be bound . Thoes in the know eh? It's difficult to predict their response, but I knows a way . It involves three cubits of quarter inch hemp rope, a litre of k-y jelly, one aubergine, a sinkplunger and unless you are very flexible the help of friends, relatives or the type of neighbour you probably dont want to live next door to . «8:56:58 PM»

Loons, loons and more loons . That is wot the world is full of! Admittedly ther are some absolutly loverly loons out there, but none the less the vast majority are a putrifying vat of rancid camel offal . Stroll on! As I always say "They is all mad 'cept theee 'n' me, I seriously suspect thee an I is havin serious doubts abahrt me" . Did you know that I am an triumvarate? But so is anybody else. 'God' aint the only bugger who can pull that stunt . Ok so his/her/it's/their father son 'n' holy wotsit is a bit flasher than me ,meself 'n' i, but it smaks of incest instead of self manipulation and leeds to sickness of the mind . Just look around and you will see . Who but a complete bleedin loony would come up with the idea of making some gurlie preggers so he can be born, then ask himself "Do I have to die and why didin't we come up with a loop hole when I came up with this caper?" , before he gets himself nailled to a tree for our sins? Eh? Run that by me agane will you? This 'God' bloke must be a bit mad in the hed I rekkon . Personally I am quite happy with my sins thankyou . I have developed quite an extensive collection, tho I must admit to some dulpication . Anyone for swapsies? But only if you have summint interestin' . «10:09:44 PM»

Fetid sweaty pustulating testicles! «9:49:43 PM»

Eternal blindness (I have had trouble gettin' near the infernal machine) . Anyway I work in a booze shop and have realised that there aint anyfing quite so queer as folk . Apart from turfin' arht drunks 'n' workin as a tourist info site durin the summer e . t . c . We also get arsked for any number of silly things . Ok we do sell soft drinks, but milk? Wot about batteries? No . Potatoes, stamps fone cards (for mobiles 'n' fone boxes) . admittedly we do sell fags, but not in BLUDDY TENS! Probly the strangest thing that I have been asked for is directions to a shop where the bloke could get summint to make it bigger? He asked this while gesturing with his hands in the vacinity of his tackle in a way that would have been the envy of any mime artist . 'Onnest 'n' strait up it's true . I ask you why me? I sent him down the road to the big roundabout, First exit and about five mins walk from there and you will find the private shop. «9:46:11 PM»

Lummie ! Me bum is rilly like a bag o' ferrets ! A total case of squitty politti, or was that some eighties band ? Anyway as I sed before welcome to the inside of me hed . I sometimes wonder if the inside is aktually the outside 'n' vice versa but mostly I wonder if there is a difference between the two at all . Well not mostly, there wouldnt be room for anyfing else in/out there/here if it were mostly filled up with that .

And that can't be true, stands to reason cos I kno that the bounds of this place are infinate and even if wots left after mostly filling infinity is a bigger volume than what you 'ane filled up, it's amazin' how few things left lyeing about it takes to make infinity look cluttered . If I were you I'd prob'ly go away now and not cum back cos this is the flavour of the frog weilding kaliedoscopic gruntfuddock of a realm that is me burbles and it is kumquat and toe cheese . Gruntfuddock. What a loverley texture that word has? I aint shure if I perfer the word gruntfuddock or moist, on second thoughts it probably be moist as it have such a wunderfull variable set of textural possibilities . Oh yea ! Before I forget, just to inform U in case a brace of short planks, omniverous ungulate poo and you is insestually related . I cant, spell and as a being of oscillating equilibrium grammer is a yet to be discovered parallel universe . Propper punctuation is oft times considered an old wives tale and I am a ocassional sufferer of attacks of idiom, dontcherkno'? I 'ope it annoys you . I really do . 'Spesh wen I make it wurst on porpoise . You prob'ly consider me a bit of a tit and youd be right, but then agane Im only human (ish) .

Technically a burble are phychaotic tricyclic systems wiv furry dice an' everything . Like thoes furry dice and little smelly trees and them wossnames with the twiddly bits that go meep, the wossnames not the twiddly bits that is . Trust me you dont want wossnames that have meeping twiddly bits instead of meeping wossnames, thoes ones are defective . If you have wone send it back and demand a refund . «7:46:17 PM»

Greetinz 'n' salutatations, welcome to the inside of me head. You will find that as with most peeples heds it is full of vast quantities of gack and crud, but among the vast faeces of thought there are to be found the plastic pearls of wisdom. Scoff ye not it's true, so if you can be arsed to come back here you may learn summint from time to time (unless you is a bleedin' spanner of a monkey) . If you aint arsed then welcome to the club (mines got a big spike through it !) and sod off . Go on avaunt. Get thee hence. Bog off back to thither never to come hither agane . Right for any of you buggers still here . . . You'll have to come back later coz I'm off for an 'uge dump. «7:15:17 PM»