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Oi! View this in the right bleedin' font! Download Ransom and RansomB (right click and save as).
Phew ! Finaly got that aubergene out , it took a wee while and no mistake . Wot with the super size tongs and industrial strength vacume pump . Anyhow , now my hands are free I can type agane . It is amazin' wot effect all that rooting around inside meself had on me spiritual conciousness . Yep I have had meself a relevation and hereby appoint me the first exarch of the church of the stairian conspiracy . Stairian is short for half way up the stairian . This religion is by definition then not really anyfink it's somefink else instead . ( A A Milne was closer to the troof than he knew ) . Starianism will invert your prekonceptions of self , reality , and stuff by the mechanisms of ludicrosity 'n' makin' it up as I goes along . Absolut troofs that are nuffin' of the kind will be imparted to my alcoholites as and wen I can be bothered . Togeather we shall quest akross the landscape of wisdom , for it is not a place and no path or road leeds there . And if the twin mystik black puddins of trepidation and uncertainty are willing paradise will be found by all ! For trully paradise is indeed half way up the stair and that aint just a metafore ( well not for the trully enlightened loike meself ) . So let the word be spread like too hard butter ( kinda lumpy and it tears the bred ) that the truth that is no such thing can be found here unless it's down the back of the sofa with Atlantis and Glen Miller .Any qwestions of a spiritual ( or other ) nature can be e - mailed to me and answers will be provided here . Yea tho I am fully steeped in the mysteries of starianism it is oft times difficult to frase them in common parlance . The truth that is not may only remain unfound throu interaction . So be not converted let all sorts of funny thoughts run through your head for you aint rilly anyfing yor summin' else instead .
4:01:17 PM
Starianism is occaisonaly concerned with the truth that is not . We who have ascended the stair of being far enuf , but not too far kno all about it . But for beginers Saint Chateau Kirwan 1995 explains it thusly ." It's like painting yor experiences the smell of chip butties innit ? Loike life 'n' stuff in a jar on the mantlepeice with a faded lable you kant read but looks a bit loike ' squishy 42 variant ' in the wrong lite . Nuff sed ."
Admittedly this was after a twelve day party when he had smoked a kilo of powdered wasabi coz all the jam had been snorted already . Shortly after he slid down the banister of being descendin' to the mortal realm ( the hallway of experiential existance ) to begin his epic quest for a CD entitled ' music to die for ' . This is a compilation of music used in fillums where peeps get killed in sloe motion . You know , like that bit in platoon . He has yet to return .
4:55:21 PM
The truth that is not is what we ( the triumvirate ) call one of the N fixed axises of rotational bi - valve conciousnes .Meself ( part of the triumvirate ) think that Saint Chateau Kirwan 1995 shud be locked up for his own good far far away from any source of jam or powdered wasabi . whereas I and me ( the other bits of the triumvirate ) couldn't give a monkeys and say " Confusion to the French " at every inoppurtune moment .
The journey from the hallway of experiential existance , ascending to halfway up the stair of being is wot stairianism is all about ( but only on tuesdays and thursdays unless it's may or a month divisible by air and or steam , twigs and bark don't count ) . For thoes foolish enuf to ascend further up the stair of being ( basically any other belief system ) things become more and more certain until the they believe that they are right and only them . They emerge onto the landing that dare not speak it's name ( Colin ) believin' they have found the truth that is . Oh woe unto foolish hooman kind in their hubris .
As Saint Fizzy Sharks once sed " Far better it be to remain in the hallway where the stair can be at least seen than too assend to far ."
5:15:00 PM
The Church of the stairian conspiracy is ordered thusly .The Exarch ( Top dog , font of all knowledge 'n' wisdom . That's me and/or meself and/or I dependin on stuff and bein' seated half way up the stair of being )
The Confusion of Saints ( one step beyond (( cue music )) as all saints need to ascend too far at first in order to teach 'em humility an' so I can say " Told you so " and feel smug )
The Three Quires of Angles ( Being Acute , Reflex 'n' Obtuse and seated where ever the hell I dam well please as long as it's belo me and in reach so as I can give 'em a good kikkin' wen they get uppity or I just feel loike it )
The Seven Ark-Bio-Shops of the Day ( Bein' Today , Yesterday , Tomorrow , A week on Friday , Some day , Gay day and Colin an' seated below the current lowest Quire )
The Twenty-six Bio-Shops of Alphabetty Spagetty ( Being freez dried , encased in amber and worn round the Exarch's neck strung on finest maidens hair )
Anything else I want ( Being made up as I goes along )
The Alcoholites ( Being proles like you with one foot in the hallway and t'other on the first step . That be called by some Festoon )
The Limetless Bannanananas of Fecundity ( Bein' so called normal folks )
6:27:01 PM